tried too much

so i'm in my room, with nothing else to do but this. i'm listening to secondhand serenade, not because of him or you. i give up. i love you, i love him but now i just can't do anything about it. but i can say freely it's over. for good becasue i know if you really wanted me as much as you say you want me you'd be here outside my door waiting for me to finnaly come out and all you can really do is grin at my glare. and before you pull on the he doesen't love you heartstring i know sweetie. listen up falling in reverse. really it's all my fault? please do tell me about how i broke your heart and left you for him. because if i had left you for him i'de be in a relationship already with him or someone else. have you ever noticed that i never date? never have. only once before and he was for three days. it was because you were so posesive that i grew used to being with one person. i don't know when you're going to stop trying to make me feel like shit about this. think about it this way, you can have erica now.i know for a fact you liked her better than me. i could see that all the while trying to get me off your back. so what i want now is to say thanks for showing me that i'm unwanted and unwantable to you. i guess i always knew that but i never stopped trying though. and now i have givin up and i see jacob's point. bella: "jake i can't be happy without him." jacob: "thats because you never tried. you spent all of your energy holding on to him. i think if you just let go of him you would see that you could be happy." i realized that i thought of you as my edward before and like bella completly dissagreed to this statement. but now, i realize now that he was right, he alwas was. so now if there is anything more to say on the matter. . . . . .it's up to you now. say what you have to say and tell me how i hurt you and i'll work something out.

isen't this what you wanted? you've wanted me to give up so you could live like most people. so you could keep blowing through flings the way you used to before i came around. i have never lied to you. i never have and never will.i don't know if you ever have. but you have broken promises. you promised that we would be together as long as i wanted and never followed through with it. if i fell in love with someone else it's not because i wanted to, you just weren't there to catch me. i had bee falling for years, i just now hit the ground. i have no exuse, no explanation, no inuendo nothing. so tell me now, do you want me around yes of no. stop mixing signals, no i love you, i hate you, no please stay, go the fuck away. i'm sick of it. i'm not playing the heartbreak game. not anymore. if you say yes, don't walk away from me and say goodbye. if you say no, don't fucking follow me around. make up your mind. one way or another, it's pretty much all the same. i don't know where i stand with you. i listen to that song once a day. i'm just sick of wondering maybe if i had sung with you, if i had told you how much i loved you, if i had done this or that or if i wasen't so jealous. . .i'm done. you need to understand what i'm saying. you always want to know whats going on in my mind, i'm telling you. no editing either.

i know.

inhale. exhale. lean your head back. and let go. it turns better. when you realize that you really don't mean what you thought you did to them, you find people who you do know where you stand. i can just let go even if i don't want to. it hurts less than i truly thought. my only problem. . . i was always here for you and somehow you never knew it. i guess i can stop now, now that you don't particularly need me. you need someone who won't break as easily as me. i feel cruel, letting go but i can't take another hit, i'll fall apart. every time i told you i love you i meant it with all of my heart. i could see you didn't believe me and so i release. megan screams at me "don't be stupid, you've been wasting your life on a lost cause for two years. it's time for a change." that song did it. we weren't meant to be together. i don't know how i missed that but i did. but it's something i can handle. stay around me, please don't leave me. don't go away, it'll make it hader for me to heal. not all scars fade. and anyway, if i wanted them to, they would. you never forget loving someone and i never will. after all, it's always the same. this whole world.

everything

i see almost everything. i see how much he cares for her, how much he wants to tell her. i see how much she loves other girls. . . bri, lakin, girls better than me. i have accepted that, i understand that and have finally given up. i step aside and let the other girls have her. it seems sensible to do so. when i did so she was upset, she wanted me to not, but when she was with erica, she just wanted me to back off a little. she didn't really care if i was crying, walking a good sevsn feet behind them as they wrapped aroung her. she told me not to cry and then brushed it off. i was hurt so badly that i cried for days. now i won't show her how much i hurt to spare her sympathy. i never wanted this, i thought i could live through it but apparently not. i've already done as much as i can to prove i care, to show that i really do love her, but it's all in vain. you want me to see you, and i do. so unless i'm misinterpreting you, you're relived that i've stopped chasing you. i read most people like an open book, you're a little harder to read. i can read him, i can read her, but you're harder. you rarely look me in the eyes, and when you do, your eyes are dark and covered. i leave mine open in hopes you will see how much i hurt, and when i see you i shut you out realizing i don't want you to know. when you think you know how much pain i've seen, you aren't even scratching the surface. i only let you see what i want you to see. don't be annoyed i do it to everyone. even him. so in the time i've spent writing this i've resolved myself further. i'm not going to stop hanging around you, i'm just going to be a little less there. but i promise i'll leave before long if it gets too hard. i though i'd throw that out there. just to make a little more sense to you. after all you said you didn't understand.

what you wanted.

in sixth grade i walked into school terrified. pink skirt, rose colored blouse, brown loafers. short red hair i was worried i wouldn't fit in. i really shouldn't have worried, i never would fit in anyway. i walked into science and sat across from a kinda cute boy with spiked brown hair and brown eyes. and in front of a really cute boy with blonde hair and dark blue eyes. or were theuy green? i sat through the class already knowing all of the things this lady was saying. the boy with spiked hair was wesley. the blonde, cody. i met a girl in reading tall with short brown hair and brown eyes. she was my soon-to-be best friend audrey. or riku. all through sixth i was a sweet girl, interested in my school work, i cried a lot in front of the one boy, cody i never knew. i soon forgot him as i crushed on him. there may have been a time where i may have had a chance with him. . .but now that has passed. i can be content being his best friend as long as he trusts me. i know he doesn't love me, i really do. i can get over it! riku left me at the end of the year, i miss her every day.

seventh was a different story. i had more attitude though wesley hated me. i got over it quickly as i met a blonde haired girl with grey blue eyes. i fell in love with her. . .she broke my heart. over and over again. i cried less and my image changed a lot. i went from pink skirts and blouses to dark purples and blues. i also acquired a yellow jacket that i still have. i still sorta liked the boy. but i was in love. that consisted of my seventh grade year. . .love an a shattered heart.

eighth was even more different. i still loved the girl but the boy was around me more. . .he talked to me a lot more and was nicer. i went into blacks and stayed there. the girl started to be more distant, showing off her relationships to me, slowly killing me. i wanted to die sometimes. let my heart to get the best of me, to let me cry less and less. so now i'm broken, not able to love quite the same but the boy has somehow worked his way into my heart and i like him more than liking. i didn't understand it.

now i'm in high school and i'm somewhat worthless, completely broken, highly emotional and depressed. i love this boy who has finnaly started to be kinder to me. he has problems just like mine and i can understand him. i love him more than he knows. but i'm his friend and eternal support. and i love the job. i still love that girl who has broken me. . . i can't seem to get over it. but now i know what life is like and why some women stay alone all of they're lives. but that's not what i want. i want a relationship where i don't have to worry about being cheated on or dumped. what wesley has with katt. i just want to be happy. it may be tomorrow, it may be ten years from now.

. . . of all the lies you ever told, 'i love you' was my favorite one! i see all of the girls you love and i rarely see my name let alone only my name. i know thats what you say and you may mean it but it never has seemed that way. i sat and waited for you to come back and when you did i braced myself to be broken again. i hurt myself so you can't. i tried so hard to patch all of this up and you never stopped to listen. one of my rules is never walk of on the only person who has never given up on you. they may give up on fixing you someday and i finally have. i've never given up on anyone before.not even him, whose hated me since sixth grade. i finnaly gained his friendship and i'm not willing to let go of that.you almost ruined that for me purposely and happily until you saw i had had enough. i'm not perfect but i put all of my heart into all i do. and i tried. i can't try any harder than i did. i'm not angry, just tired. tired of all of the crap i put myself through, tired of slowly killing myself over a lost cause, tired of trying to let go of him so i could go back to you although i know for a fact if i tried to do this again i would get hurt even worse. i can't try anymore. i give up. are you happy? i never thought i was possible to break me, but you did. thanks for proving me wrong. oh and i'm not going anywhere. you're stuck having me around whether you want it or not.

i can't take it anymore. i've tried. i really have. last night it all hit me, nothing i try to do is ever going to work. nothing i do has worked. i tried to stop loving him, to stop loving her. to stop loving altogether. it always kills me. all of it hit me last night i cried myself to sleep when i realized all of it, a feeling of hopelesness settled over me. i give up. the only thing i've ever given up on before.

forever is fake. together forever is even faker compared to that. it's like believing in fairy tales. i just cant take it . . .it's not something most people can understand. people who make things like this really don't get it. it breaks my heart to realize that the person, the people i love will never love me the way i love them.

i hope the next girl makes her happy. i honestly do. because i wasn't enough, no matter how much i tried. i know it's sad but i wish maybe i had given more of myself. i know that i would have hurt more but i maybe it would have been enough. even though it hit hard when she kept leaving me, with her i was happy. but now i sleep on it and cry over it. i screwed up by loving somebody i've loved longer than her and now i mean nothing to her.
the quote on the left is for her, for whoever she choses to have next, the one on the right ot him, to show i remembered. that is his favorite quote. i know he may never love me the way i do for him, and i may never redeem myself to her but if i can keep his friendship i can live. i let myself get out of hand hoping. i know i'll be happy someday even if not today. i just wish that i could stop the pain somehow

is it? is it over? can i come out for once? i can't truly believe that i sat for so long and let myself be hurt so many times. she doesn't care. she can't even remember the song i sang for her. in about a week or so, i'm not going to be using my blogger anymore.i think there is nothing more to say.

i'm trying so hard. it's like the harder i try the more it hurts. i feel so vurnerable without my journal. "after all you've done to me i won't speak to you." i'm trying so hard to not cry. thats what started all of this. i cried because of him and now she hates me. if she'll return my journal i'll do whatever she wants. i'll leave her life for good. her life, the pack, the only thing i can't do is leave inverness. i won't speak to her, i won't look at her, i won't go near her. if it would be better for her. i would hurt but if i could stop all of this.

so if i could just make myself better i could make this work. but now i have to help him with katt. to make them happy.i don't care about myself. i'm not worth it. i'm just some miserable girl whose been broken one too many times. i'm pretty much useless for anything but crying and making peoples lives better. that's the only thing that keeps me alive. those who love me (if anyone does) should be grateful to that.

i have no clue. i'm trying to figure out what i did. if it was bad i can understand that she would be mad and try to destroy my life. if she would stop and tell me, if i find the judgement to be fair, i will willingly take her anger. but i think i have a right to be upset until then. the one moment that i'm not slowly dying of heartache for her, the one time that i can show that, yes, i do care for someone else, she gets upset. but it seems that i can't show that i'm sad when she goes along, dating other people, looking at me and basically saying that she doesn't care that i'm sad. i can't be angry right now, i don't know why. sometimes i wish i could. i wish i could walk to her and say "thanks for showing me i mean nothing to you. thanks for letting me know that i'm worthless. sorry i came into your life and became a problem. so hears to teenage romance and not knowing why it hurts like hell." but i can't. even as anger flares when she won't speak to me. even as hurt courses through me like a venom when she looks at me like i'm a piece of crap. i'm reposting this song because it's pretty much how i feel.

whats really sad is that no one really knows how sad i really am. i can hide things better than i thought. only people who read this and are really close to me can really understand. all break i wrote my frustrations out on a very worn journal. it feels nice to let all of my anger out without hurting anyone. i saw katt today, probibly scared her by coming out of nowhere to hug her. she's like my sister, i love her so much. she knows what it's like, to constantly lose the one she so desperatly loves. so i guess, i'll give up on that, after trying so hard. i finnaly do realize that i never take care of myself as much as i do with others.

answers. . . all you have to do is ask, instead of tearing through my stuff. . . i'm more angry than i've been in a while. so you know what, i'll tell you. no tears, no crying, no hesitation. just ask and get it over with. i can't believe you would say that i don't care about you. i may not act like it right now because i have so much on my mind. if you care so much about how i feel try being more considerate of my feelings. how i feel about him is none of your buisness. trust me i've known him a lot longer than i've known you. so just ask, i'll tell you.

well now that i know. . .

maybe now the pain will stop. now that i know the pain has faded. i guess it's okay to be sad but also to be relieved. thanks to all the time i took to think about this, i can finnaly lay back and just let it wash away. all of the pain, all of the saddness, i can relieve myself of it. i'm just going to let go, to try and be happier. it feels like. . . walking through a feild, not knowing there was broken glass at the end. you step lightly, barefoot liking the feel of the grass until the glass cuts into the soles of your feet. the next week you forget and do it again. well sooner or later you remember to wear shoes, the journey through the feild is less pleasent but you don't get hurt. so clean up the glass and let other people walk through. at least now i know. so things like this don't need to happen again, but still. . .

In the end

Everyone ends up alone

Losing her

The only one who's ever known

Who I am

Who I'm not, who I wanna be

No way to know

How long she will be next to me

so now what? i know that she's happy, the only problem is, i'm not. not yet. i just hope she stays happy and that her new girl loves her just as much as i do. thats all i'm asking for.

puppy

it's hard to explain. last week i started a new path to get home faster. there was this boxer that comes running and barking at me. i walk calmly past the fence and say 'it's okay i'm just walking past'. and the next day the same. finnaly i stick the tips of my fingers through the fence towards the dog, who gently presses her nose to them. i play softly with her ear until i realize the time. i wave goodbye without looking over my shoulder. yesterday, i come through to walk past and she comes crawling along on her belly, submissive, ears perked, wanting to please. she presses to the fence and puts her paw up an a rung and looks at me with her sad brown eyes. i stick my fingers through the fence and pet her, smiling softly. i stand to leave and she looks so sad and bewildered at the same time that i stoop to pet her some more. i look at her eyes and see that they're just like mine. almost exactly the same. increadibly sad and pleading to be loved. sweet and submissive, wanting to make somebody, anybody happy. just to get love out of it. i almost started crying seeing her look at me like that her eyes a mirror image of my own, an echo of my own hidden sadness. i want to comfort this dog more than anyone else in the world. the one who seems to feel my own pain. the one that seems to want to comfort me, of all people.

. . .

god. this is torture. i'm forced to sit here every day and wait for things to stop. what to do, what to say, all of these things are fed to me as to what society wants out of me. wow i just don't know anymore. what does this world want out of me????? what? i give up. i gave up on fitting in around seventh grade when i left my pink stage. poeple think i'm confused. thats wrong, i know exactly who i am. i know what goes on in my mind, and i know who my friends are. so i take a stand and show who i am. i just don't like people. i hang with animals. . . . ok then.

what do i want?

i don't know anymore.

i hurt all over now and don't think i can fix it right now.even as good as i am, i can't fix this right now. i rather think i liked being numb better. even that could be remidied with a bit of broken glass. but now i don't know. do i even want anything??? i know i love her and i'm pretty sure my heart is gravitating towards him, too. i can't stop it no matter how hard i try. i get yelled at for it. a normal life. a better one. i can see you don't want me. i've cried myself to sleep every night for several days. my dreams have gone from cruel to sadistic. i woke up this morning with tears on my pillow. i can't do anything. i'm trying to just get through the day and find a happier place than i'm in. it's just not working. just make it through the day and you can cry when you're alone. keep your head high and fake the smiles. and remember don't let the tears fall in front of them. that could make or break you.

so i'm almost there. it's almost fixed. and now just torn from my hands and ripped again. i'm running out of thread. i'm not sure what to do now. i wish i could fix it faster. . . all of the time it tears slowly as i see them. i can feel that now. so why did you leave me? why did you so purposly hurt me? i can see it in your eyes that you don't want me. that you obviously don't need me. so why should you care??? why should you even bother to talk to me anymore? i doubt you even care if i die right now. "if you try hard enough you can fix it to be almost the same. there might still be some lines but just barely." so now what? i've hidden again and shocked myself by making eye contact but not saying a thing. i want to go home. i want to know how you really feel. and more than anything i want my heart fixed. "i know i deserve to be treated better than i am" you glare at me. "so find someone who will treat you better." i know you saw me fall to my knees. i know you heard me sob 'i know. i'm trying.' i promise you will never see me cry. you will never see a tear fall from my eyes. i promise.

sigh

notes laying on my nighstand beside me. a piece of broken glass lying on the floor, droplets of blood lying on it. a heart of blood on my leg. now today it's almost healed and doesn't hurt anymore. i wish it did. then at least i could feel something. i've gone numb all throughout my body. that song weaves through my head the lyrics drawing more tears out of my eyes as i'm trying to sleep. my mind plays cruel tricks on me, twisting whatever memories i have of hime to make it look like he was looking at me instead of Katt. and now i'm hated by the only person i've ever thought i loved. so now what? do i love him? maybe. i wish i knew. i do know he's all i've ever really wanted. so maybe i do. i cry myself to sleep every night over things like this. yesterday was worse. all of my dreams are worse than sadistic. "love is the slowest form of suicide."

so to stop killing myself from the inside out i need to remove myself from this. why couldn't he just act like a jerk? why does he have to be so nice? why does he have to treat me so kindly? at least if he acted like he hates me i could do the same. why???? at least i could wrap my head around that. . . but thats not what i want. i want him to love me like he loves her. but if wishes and dreams were wings we'd all be able to fly.

lonely

i sit here every day and type here.again with the fake smiles. only now someone knows about my hurting. he smiles at me and watches me everyday. behind me, everything i want but can't have. it makes me feel alone with myself. i'm hooked on that song it makes my heart ache with every lyric that is sung. i may look happy on the outside but if you felt how i feel on the inside you would understand.

so he was right.

a friend of mine told me to listen to this song. he said it would surely make me cry. your call by secondhand serenade. a part of my mind is in love with him. i have to be honest. i love the way he looks at me when he's telling me about the girl he's in love with. though it's my best friend i still can't help but try to make this easier for him. both of them have been through the same heartbreak i have. the multiple losses of the one we're loving. i wouldn't tell him that though. i never show my true feelings. i'm not weak. i hate people to know whats going on in my mind. it would tear me up. so when i burst out crying it almost killed me when he saw. not only that beu he came over and tried to make it stop. the last time he saw me cry was sixth grade and that was when my friend told him that i liked him. (he made fun of me) i guess i've always had feelings for him.

grrr

ok so i'm pretty peeved today as i try to show independance and my alpha rejects it as though it was usless. oh not only that but when i was alpha the only order i gave her was completely ignored. one request. make peace with others on the shared territory before the pride gets cocky and tahes more than the pond anr the covens attack. i don't want an apoligy. i don't want anything but respect. "i don't like it. i'll rewrite it later" it's mine and those are my words. the first time i show any singlemindedness and it's just looked down on.

:))))))

my birthday is coming up soon and i'm somewhat exited. i have a vault next to me and am sorta craving starbursts. i had a project due a few days ago and i spent twenty minutes on it. hah i guess i may fail the project but if i have something i can't get detention. i just don't have the board. i'll do that later. at some point. poor wesely will have to have detention himself. i want to start writing soon so i will in my next class. i might still have a sub and i forgot my book again. i have a few questions to ask here and there like why bri thinks that gage has more power that she does. i have so much caffine in my system that i keep typing the wrong letters. :) . . . bri says that gage would be pissed if he saw her with me. i doubt he cares it's may just be that i was looking for decode. double dating????? i will have elaboration. wesely drew on my apple yesterday and turned it into a zombie apple. fluffy gave it to mr martone. total lol as it was staring at me.

I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rinds,but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside, swallow my doubt turn it inside outfind nothing but faith in nothing.Want to put my tender heart in a blender,watch it spin 'round into a beautiful oblivion.Rendezvous, then I'm through with you I burn, burn like a wicker cabinet,chalk white and oh so frail.I see our time has gotten stale.The tick tock of the clock is painful,all sane and logical.I want to tear it off the wall.I hear words in clips and phrases,I think sick like ginger ale,My stomach turns and I exhale. I would swallow my pride,I would choke on the rinds,But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside.I would swallow my doubt,turn it inside out,find nothing but faith in nothing.Want to put my tender heart in a blender,watch it spin 'round into a beautiful oblivion.Rendezvous, then I'm through with you.SoCal is where my mind states, but it's not my state of mind.I'm not as ugly, sad as you.Or am I origami?Folded up and just pretend,demented as the motives in your head.I would swallow my pride,I would choke on the rinds, but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside.I would swallow my doubt, turn it inside out,find nothing but faith in nothing. Want to put my tender heart in a blender,watch it spin 'round into a beautiful oblivion.Rendezvous, then I'm through with you .I alone am the one you don't know you needtake heed, feed your ego.Make me blind when your eyes close,sink when you get close, tie me to the bedpost.I alone am the one you don't know you need,you don't know you need me.Make me blind when your eyes close,Tie me to the bedpost.I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rinds,but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside. Swallow my doubt,turn it inside out,find nothing but faith in nothing.Want to put my tender heart in a blender, watch it spin 'round to a beautiful oblivion.Rendezvous, then I'm through, now I'm

soo stuck in my head.

music

i listen to a lot of music. the music can change my mood in a heart beat or can match my mood. i use it to cope with my life. i've done a lot of stupid thimgs in my life. i can freely agree with megan that i've made quite a few mistakes while she was around. like letting myself hurt for so long. but now i can smile and sing freely although the part of me that was hurting is still there. i can still feel it abut now can disregaurd it. looking back it's funny how i sat there looking dead while i sat in my misery. i know how many peolpe saw it and they have recently seen it. true i did feel somewhat dead but then i smiled and my world was turned around. i still am sad but i can focus on the good not the bad and have a lot to do to get better. i've thought long and hard and will now trust more freely and smile for real more often. (still will not trust until i'm sure they are trustworthy*(gage)*) watch me sing and dance. see my happiness as i've healed over all but one part that i'm not sure i want healed. the love left in me i don't feel should like it should be removed.

what would you do?

if today was your last day what would you do? forgive forget live and learn. live as though you'll never live twice. would you regret anything? or that you never did something? live in today but think of yesterday fondly because you can't live it over. get in contact with old friends and just give everything you have.

listen

learn me. i'm not what you think. i see you look at me and wonder why i look so sad. you ask i'f i'm okay and i throw a smile on and say that i'm fine. so why do i do this? because you think you know me but you don't. i hide inside myself to keep you from seeing. it's strange to show my true self. it feels kind of like taking my jacket off after wearing it all day. freeing whatever bare skin to the biting wind and letting my hair down after having it up all day. or more like pulling it up.

"i want to be known as the girl who always smiles,

even when her heart is broken. the girl who never fails to brighten your day

even when she can't brighten her own"

sure

i've given in. keep my silence and go on the way i always have. painted smiles and crudely composed facades. blareing music and crying only where i cannot be seen. it goes to show that nobody really knows me. i'm eternally a forced optimist causing people to think what could be worse and a pure through and through pessimist. yeah a bit of an oximoron but thats me. thats how i've always been and thats how i'll always be. and if thats a problem you can kiss my fluffy tail.

whatever. . .

i saw them together. i don't know why but it made me sad. bri was leaned against gage asleep and he was looking at her so lovingly that it made my heart ache. the more i want someone to look at me like that the less possible it seems. sure i don't particularly like gage or completely trust bri. . . but seeing that would be enough to break anyones heart. a long time ago (around seventh grade) i fell in love. of course it's not what most would expect it being my current new friend. and she told me she loved me. i believed every word out of her mouth. that had me standing in the corner of the cafeteria crying. ever since i had put a guard around myself and attempted to keep people from worming into my heart. it works very well. if you are already close to me you will stay that way forever. if we just meet i'm like a stray cat your are trying to feed and i worry and dodge and try to stay away. i have many different sides and personalities.you say you love me and i'll second guess myself for the rest of my life.

dear heart, i met a boy today. . . prepare to shatter.

you say you want to know what's going on in my mind, i told you. you love me? sure you love her too. and her too. i don't know what to think anymore. and the sad part is why can't i let go??? i've given all i have and now i'm trapped where i am. i love you i really do and you can't see that. as the stupid little thing i am i can't tell you like i'd want to so i'll let it go and stew in my own sadness. you can have better than me and i've seen that firsthand.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....

my head frickin hurts. green is not easy to read. i fell off the stairs the other day and hurt both of my ankles and need to work on them. this weekend sucked and i'm thrilled it's over. my little brother was worse than ever. i feel good about myself. i got a guy that i kinda like to consider going out with one of my friends that has a huge crush on him. it made me feel kind of . . . selfless. for some odd reason all of my friends are sick and i'm not. it gives me a chance to help. normally they won't let me. i'm depressed that my mom doesn't work tonight so i'm gonna be cleaning all night. teacher grading paper and not paying attention as i have most of my autobiography done. my friend tried to pierce her eyebrow in the bathroom earlier today and i leaned against the wall watching.i haven't read her blog in a while and did so yesterday and sat for twenty minutes trying to read a convo she posted for all to read. wow my friends are weird.

assumption song

i'm not sure there is anything to say about this song. . . just enjoy. . . lol

in class once again

this is a very dull morning. wow i guess i don't like shcool as much as i thought. once again i'm sure i should be doing something else. like the word of the day. way to make me feel like a little kid. if decode didn't have my notebook i would be writing forbidden. i intend to do so tommorow. hehe. . . i wish i had some anime. do i ???? no i don't think so. i have a feeling that this is more of a online diary than a blog. -.- whatever. ^-^ too tired to really do much right now.

in the middle of school

right now i'm so bored. i'm pretty sure i should be doing something else but i finished what i was told to do. class ends in like five minutes. i don't even know why i'm doing this...nevermind class just ended

a little more about me

people that know me well know that i'm a very insecure person. i only speak to people i know and am afraid of doing anything out of character. the only few things i really have confidence are my writing and drawings. there are also very few people i'll sing to. i can sing to ashley because in sixth grade she forced me to learn a song by fall out boy. it was really fun accutally. . . i can sing with kendyll but only with not to. i'm not sure. i can sing to and with my little brother. i know he won't judge me. i think the closer i am to someone the more reluctant to sing or dance for. that may be why i won't sing for my mom. don't get me wrong, i love to sing. there are songs i'll sing to myself all the time. my new facsination would be 'i won't say i'm in love' from herculese. . . no idea why. i also will sing to my neibors. i call them my puppies because thats how the act.this is my new fave song, terrified by kara dioguardi. it's so pretty.

randomness

i find that i express myself very well through music. the only Bow wow song i'll listen to is outta my system.

Damn, I mean, I just keep thinkin' about you
I mean, I wanna move on but I can't move on
It's like you got some kinda hold on me and, man I don't know
But I'ma go ahead and talk about it, listen

I'm sittin' lookin' out the window like damn
Tryna fix this situation that's at hand
You're still runnin' through my mind
When I'm knowin' that you shouldn't be
Me all on your mind and I'm knowin' that it couldn't be

'Cause you ain't called and I ain't even appalled
I still got a lotta pain, I ain't dealt wit it all
I been runnin' 'round with other chicks, I'm single and they lovin' it
I'm likin' it but I just want the one that I was in love with

That's not the end of it, I'm tryna let you go
I can't get a grip of it is what I'm tryna let you know
You got a hold or some kinda control of me
I don't know what it is but I gotta get you gone from me

I'm workin' at it and it ain't gettin' no better
Just tryna be like, yeah, forget it, whatever
Instead of starin' out this glass, lookin' at this bad weather
Damn, I gotta pull myself together 'cause

When I'm with somebody, all I think 'bout is you
When I'm all alone, that's all I wanna do
I miss the smilin' faces in my Sidekick, outta town visits
All the time we spent together
Makes it hard to get you outta my system

And you know what you do to me, do to me
You don't even understand, damn
And you know what you do to me, do to me
It's so hard to get you outta my system

I'm too attached, my heart won't let me fall back
I got it bad, that's what you can call that
And when I see you in the streets, that's the worse for me
Used to love the little things you did, that's what works for me

It's too major, don't see you in my pager
Know what you doin', where you at or can I see you later?
The fellas tellin' me, “Just let her go, Bow�
Believe me, I'm tryin', man, I just don't know how

I be in all the top spots, leavin' with the hot shots
Knowin' they just want me 'cause I'm in the top spot
That's not poppin' and my brain ain't stoppin'
Thinkin' who she with or where she goin', is she club hoppin'?

I never had this kind of problem in my life
This is my first time dealin' with this kind of fight
It's every night and every flight and every time you in my sight
Damn, this ain't even right 'cause

When I'm with somebody, all I think 'bout is you
When I'm all alone, that's all I wanna do
I miss the smilin' faces in my Sidekick, outta town visits
All the time we spent together
Makes it hard to get you outta my system

And you know what you do to me, do to me
You don't even understand, damn
And you know what you do to me, do to me
It's so hard to get you outta my system

Is it wrong for me to feel this way?
You been runnin' through my mind all day, can you feel me?
I been tryna get you off my mind
But I can't after all this time, that's what kills me

Is it wrong for me to feel this way?
You been runnin' through my mind all day, can you feel me?
I been tryna get you off my mind
But I can't after all this time and it kills me

When I'm with somebody, all I think 'bout is you
When I'm all alone, that's all I wanna do
I miss the smilin' faces in my Sidekick, outta town visits
All the time we spent together
Makes it hard to get you outta my system

And you know what you do to me, do to me
You don't even understand, damn
And you know what you do to me, do to me
It's so hard to get you outta my system

I remember everything that me and you talked about
Me and you had our whole life planned out together
And if I could, I would turn back the hands of time
And correct all my mistakes that I ever did

But now I guess I gotta move on, right?
It's still hard and I still love you to this day
Peace

so yeah. . . whatever.

of course you wouldn't get it

i do try to tell you don't i? everyday i look at you and smile. laugh hysterically, blush? don't you see it in my eyes? long ago i gave you my heart and you pretend you don't know. i sit in the rain and stare at the ground hoping you'll show up but you never do. you are always in my thoughts and on my mind and . . . just let it through your thick skull!!!!!

nothing to say but everything

everyday i just sit there staring off into space thinking. (probably would explain why i'm failing algebra already) and due to all the stress of homecoming and report cards within three weeks of one another all i really have to do is paint my smile on and pretend to be any other student. people think i've stopped lying. the truth is i've just gotten better. helplessly in love. no i'm single and fine with it. miserable beyond words. i'm perfectly fine, just a little tired *half hearted laugh* and the sad part is, everybody believes it. but then i've always been a suffer in silence kind of person.