wow.

looking back i realize i was pretty mean about all of this. it was a futile struggle to keep you and others from walking all over me. i stood my ground in a way that made me lash out at all of the wrong people and run from the people i should have confronted. i should have told you face to face instead of starting this war and the more you're around me i lose track of the girl i'm trying to make and revert to the stupid and rather reckless girl i used to be. i don't dream about you, you don't hurt me i just stop in my tracks and seem to be growing down as apposed to up. i do still love you and i always will, someone always remembers their first love. but what i tried to tell you was that, if it was supposed to work out it would have. we would be together and my mom wouldn't hate you. if it was meant to work out we wouldn't have needed to try so hard. we don't belong together and if you're reading this, you should think about it before becoming the stubborn girl you generally are. i'm sorry and i guess i should have seen this coming but at the same time i'm not sorry and i hate that i can't confront you myself.

how is this fair?

i see you across the room, looking at her, you're so happy. you glance in my direction and grin, not knowing what exactly i'm going through as i watch you smile. i smile back, not feeling as much energy as i would have normally put into the smile. i miss looking into your eyes and thinking about how happy i was you were mine. my left hand twitches as i reach for a class ring that's not there anymore. replaced by a little copper ring that says luck, i glance at it thinking that it's not fair. how can you not be having an emotional reaction? how can you not be sad? how come you don't miss me? why am i the ome suffering? but sadly i can answer all these questions. i never meant anything to you. you can't lie to me. i bet if i asked aiden even he'd tell me. i wish that i could stop, stop caring, stop wishing, stop being sad. but now as i sit here i can feel it gradually lifting, one day at a time, watching you pretend to be upset that i mention wesley, that i even think of him at all when he never stole me from you, you took my affections from him. and even through all of the pain i go through, i can't bring myself to wish this sadness on you, i can't make myself happy that makenzie bit you (PLEASE exuse me if i misspelled her name) because after all no matter what, i love you. and i am sad but i let all of that go so you can have the girl that you see more in than all of the other girls, even the one you said day in and day out that you loved. you do remember her right? the one who fought to live throughout the pain you were causing her. luck, branded seven times into my little copper ring. luck it says. strange. is it lucky i can't see your eyes anymore when i close mine? is it lucky that i see him and the warm little spark starts in my heart? and you wonder why i put up a wall. so you can't see that i tear myself apart over this. so you can't see me cry. i told you you'd never see me cry again. at least never over you again. i save my tears because i've cried so much over you that my next tears for you will be tears of blood. but for him, my smiles are real, to see him makes me more happy than you would really think. it always has. luck luck luck luck luck luck luck. all on a little copper band around the same finger that held your gold class ring. a replacement for something much better that will cause me nothing but pain to look at. so copper will do. a warm metal, warmer than gold. but for now, i can use all the luck i can get.

the field . . . .

my life is a field. lined with flowers of every shape and size. nikki is a purple orchid. fluffy a pansy. justin a snapdragon. wesley a bloodred rose. dakota a snow white stinging nettle. so pretty but whenever i try to pick either one i hurt. nettles sting my skin leaving me hurting for a long time. thorns prick my skin making me bleed. i walk through the field and see all of the flowers and think about how blessed i am to have them in my life. all of the colors. the orchid, standing tall and proud, the pansy so close to the ground, the snapdragon even taller but as proud as the orchid. the rose, surrounded shredding itself with it's own thorns, a lily tearing itself on his thorns trying to get closer to it. on it's side, trying to recover, a sad withered peice of lavander, looking delacate tries to stand to face the sun, a victim of his thorns, the thorns that are slowly killing him as well. to look from afar this is a paradise, but closer the world is so sad. even the orchid, wilting out of pain inflicted on her heart. but now i just walk through, thinking how much i love my field, how pretty it is, how sweet my flowers. to be a flower i think to be like the rest. . . . i know that i do have a place, a solitary moonflower, hidden until night, nobody no matter how hard they try can coax me out of my bud all the way, only barely seeing my petals, at night the dew on those petals are my tears falling when no one can see. of course i have always been able to forgive the flowers that cause pain, it is only a natural defense right? and as i look at the nettle and rose, the blood and tears in my skin, i can do nothing but forgive, after all who am i, a little moonflower to expect anything to do to help them? all i can do is hope the sun shines true and red for them all as the moon shines silver for me. i always have been able to forgive the rose and nettle. i've always seen them standing majestic and true in the sun, the thorns and stings always leave me wondering why though, why hide from people, allow them nowhere near? but now i know. they want nobody to see how they are suffering. now i wish i was a rose, instead of a moonflower, though nobody can see me without waiting all day, they can still pick me at night, my petals all out and wisk me away. they can still find me and tear my petals all off one by one without any resistance on my part. like a pretty grey eyed girl who came running into my field for who-knows-why. i was crushed underfoot as she ran past. though i still forgive her because that's all i can do. she didn't see me. if i was more like the rose, so bright easily seen but untouchable i would have been safe. . . .but now i stand watching the flowers around me wilt out of pain and bitterness. my field. my pretty field. soon to be nothing more than a barren landscape and somehow i feel like it's all my fault.

dakota,

in my life i've made many mistakes. i don't think i could say meeting you was a mistake. you said there was a time where he did love me. but i was with you at the time and didn't know. i don't think i have the guts to ever find out myself so i'll leave it at that. if i hadn't met you, the heartbreak woulden't have been avoided, just would have come at a different time, a different way. if it wasen't you, it may have been him, or someone else.you say you were a replacement for him, but in truth being around him is a replacement for being around you. he makes me feel warm, happy, the way you used to. before you left me. he makes me feel good about myself, especially when i see him looking at me from across the room like for a moment he chose me over all of the other things in the room to glance at. and when he just walks over in the middle of class and sits in front of my desk to talk to me. when he looks into my eyes my heart jumps into my throat just the way it did when you used to look me in the eyes. but as an abused puppy these are the things i've learned to watch for. i tried to get him into a position where no matter if he liked me there would be no way for me to access him. i've learned the signs from my heart that i was going to regret loving somebody. the little pup that was ignored for such a long period of time has become aggresive in a way that almost nobody can show her that life is better than she thinks. have you noticed that unlike you i don't get into relationships? not like you who gets into one after another even after you say you've found everything you've wanted. unlike you i know what i want. i want someone who keeps their promises. just the way theyt say they will. so in retrospect, is he a pain pill for missing you? or is he just a spoonful of arsnec? i don't know but i do know i'm going to keep pushing all of the love i want away until i find out work things out.

tried too much

so i'm in my room, with nothing else to do but this. i'm listening to secondhand serenade, not because of him or you. i give up. i love you, i love him but now i just can't do anything about it. but i can say freely it's over. for good becasue i know if you really wanted me as much as you say you want me you'd be here outside my door waiting for me to finnaly come out and all you can really do is grin at my glare. and before you pull on the he doesen't love you heartstring i know sweetie. listen up falling in reverse. really it's all my fault? please do tell me about how i broke your heart and left you for him. because if i had left you for him i'de be in a relationship already with him or someone else. have you ever noticed that i never date? never have. only once before and he was for three days. it was because you were so posesive that i grew used to being with one person. i don't know when you're going to stop trying to make me feel like shit about this. think about it this way, you can have erica now.i know for a fact you liked her better than me. i could see that all the while trying to get me off your back. so what i want now is to say thanks for showing me that i'm unwanted and unwantable to you. i guess i always knew that but i never stopped trying though. and now i have givin up and i see jacob's point. bella: "jake i can't be happy without him." jacob: "thats because you never tried. you spent all of your energy holding on to him. i think if you just let go of him you would see that you could be happy." i realized that i thought of you as my edward before and like bella completly dissagreed to this statement. but now, i realize now that he was right, he alwas was. so now if there is anything more to say on the matter. . . . . .it's up to you now. say what you have to say and tell me how i hurt you and i'll work something out.

isen't this what you wanted? you've wanted me to give up so you could live like most people. so you could keep blowing through flings the way you used to before i came around. i have never lied to you. i never have and never will.i don't know if you ever have. but you have broken promises. you promised that we would be together as long as i wanted and never followed through with it. if i fell in love with someone else it's not because i wanted to, you just weren't there to catch me. i had bee falling for years, i just now hit the ground. i have no exuse, no explanation, no inuendo nothing. so tell me now, do you want me around yes of no. stop mixing signals, no i love you, i hate you, no please stay, go the fuck away. i'm sick of it. i'm not playing the heartbreak game. not anymore. if you say yes, don't walk away from me and say goodbye. if you say no, don't fucking follow me around. make up your mind. one way or another, it's pretty much all the same. i don't know where i stand with you. i listen to that song once a day. i'm just sick of wondering maybe if i had sung with you, if i had told you how much i loved you, if i had done this or that or if i wasen't so jealous. . .i'm done. you need to understand what i'm saying. you always want to know whats going on in my mind, i'm telling you. no editing either.

i know.

inhale. exhale. lean your head back. and let go. it turns better. when you realize that you really don't mean what you thought you did to them, you find people who you do know where you stand. i can just let go even if i don't want to. it hurts less than i truly thought. my only problem. . . i was always here for you and somehow you never knew it. i guess i can stop now, now that you don't particularly need me. you need someone who won't break as easily as me. i feel cruel, letting go but i can't take another hit, i'll fall apart. every time i told you i love you i meant it with all of my heart. i could see you didn't believe me and so i release. megan screams at me "don't be stupid, you've been wasting your life on a lost cause for two years. it's time for a change." that song did it. we weren't meant to be together. i don't know how i missed that but i did. but it's something i can handle. stay around me, please don't leave me. don't go away, it'll make it hader for me to heal. not all scars fade. and anyway, if i wanted them to, they would. you never forget loving someone and i never will. after all, it's always the same. this whole world.