tried too much

so i'm in my room, with nothing else to do but this. i'm listening to secondhand serenade, not because of him or you. i give up. i love you, i love him but now i just can't do anything about it. but i can say freely it's over. for good becasue i know if you really wanted me as much as you say you want me you'd be here outside my door waiting for me to finnaly come out and all you can really do is grin at my glare. and before you pull on the he doesen't love you heartstring i know sweetie. listen up falling in reverse. really it's all my fault? please do tell me about how i broke your heart and left you for him. because if i had left you for him i'de be in a relationship already with him or someone else. have you ever noticed that i never date? never have. only once before and he was for three days. it was because you were so posesive that i grew used to being with one person. i don't know when you're going to stop trying to make me feel like shit about this. think about it this way, you can have erica now.i know for a fact you liked her better than me. i could see that all the while trying to get me off your back. so what i want now is to say thanks for showing me that i'm unwanted and unwantable to you. i guess i always knew that but i never stopped trying though. and now i have givin up and i see jacob's point. bella: "jake i can't be happy without him." jacob: "thats because you never tried. you spent all of your energy holding on to him. i think if you just let go of him you would see that you could be happy." i realized that i thought of you as my edward before and like bella completly dissagreed to this statement. but now, i realize now that he was right, he alwas was. so now if there is anything more to say on the matter. . . . . .it's up to you now. say what you have to say and tell me how i hurt you and i'll work something out.

isen't this what you wanted? you've wanted me to give up so you could live like most people. so you could keep blowing through flings the way you used to before i came around. i have never lied to you. i never have and never will.i don't know if you ever have. but you have broken promises. you promised that we would be together as long as i wanted and never followed through with it. if i fell in love with someone else it's not because i wanted to, you just weren't there to catch me. i had bee falling for years, i just now hit the ground. i have no exuse, no explanation, no inuendo nothing. so tell me now, do you want me around yes of no. stop mixing signals, no i love you, i hate you, no please stay, go the fuck away. i'm sick of it. i'm not playing the heartbreak game. not anymore. if you say yes, don't walk away from me and say goodbye. if you say no, don't fucking follow me around. make up your mind. one way or another, it's pretty much all the same. i don't know where i stand with you. i listen to that song once a day. i'm just sick of wondering maybe if i had sung with you, if i had told you how much i loved you, if i had done this or that or if i wasen't so jealous. . .i'm done. you need to understand what i'm saying. you always want to know whats going on in my mind, i'm telling you. no editing either.

i know.

inhale. exhale. lean your head back. and let go. it turns better. when you realize that you really don't mean what you thought you did to them, you find people who you do know where you stand. i can just let go even if i don't want to. it hurts less than i truly thought. my only problem. . . i was always here for you and somehow you never knew it. i guess i can stop now, now that you don't particularly need me. you need someone who won't break as easily as me. i feel cruel, letting go but i can't take another hit, i'll fall apart. every time i told you i love you i meant it with all of my heart. i could see you didn't believe me and so i release. megan screams at me "don't be stupid, you've been wasting your life on a lost cause for two years. it's time for a change." that song did it. we weren't meant to be together. i don't know how i missed that but i did. but it's something i can handle. stay around me, please don't leave me. don't go away, it'll make it hader for me to heal. not all scars fade. and anyway, if i wanted them to, they would. you never forget loving someone and i never will. after all, it's always the same. this whole world.

everything

i see almost everything. i see how much he cares for her, how much he wants to tell her. i see how much she loves other girls. . . bri, lakin, girls better than me. i have accepted that, i understand that and have finally given up. i step aside and let the other girls have her. it seems sensible to do so. when i did so she was upset, she wanted me to not, but when she was with erica, she just wanted me to back off a little. she didn't really care if i was crying, walking a good sevsn feet behind them as they wrapped aroung her. she told me not to cry and then brushed it off. i was hurt so badly that i cried for days. now i won't show her how much i hurt to spare her sympathy. i never wanted this, i thought i could live through it but apparently not. i've already done as much as i can to prove i care, to show that i really do love her, but it's all in vain. you want me to see you, and i do. so unless i'm misinterpreting you, you're relived that i've stopped chasing you. i read most people like an open book, you're a little harder to read. i can read him, i can read her, but you're harder. you rarely look me in the eyes, and when you do, your eyes are dark and covered. i leave mine open in hopes you will see how much i hurt, and when i see you i shut you out realizing i don't want you to know. when you think you know how much pain i've seen, you aren't even scratching the surface. i only let you see what i want you to see. don't be annoyed i do it to everyone. even him. so in the time i've spent writing this i've resolved myself further. i'm not going to stop hanging around you, i'm just going to be a little less there. but i promise i'll leave before long if it gets too hard. i though i'd throw that out there. just to make a little more sense to you. after all you said you didn't understand.

what you wanted.

in sixth grade i walked into school terrified. pink skirt, rose colored blouse, brown loafers. short red hair i was worried i wouldn't fit in. i really shouldn't have worried, i never would fit in anyway. i walked into science and sat across from a kinda cute boy with spiked brown hair and brown eyes. and in front of a really cute boy with blonde hair and dark blue eyes. or were theuy green? i sat through the class already knowing all of the things this lady was saying. the boy with spiked hair was wesley. the blonde, cody. i met a girl in reading tall with short brown hair and brown eyes. she was my soon-to-be best friend audrey. or riku. all through sixth i was a sweet girl, interested in my school work, i cried a lot in front of the one boy, cody i never knew. i soon forgot him as i crushed on him. there may have been a time where i may have had a chance with him. . .but now that has passed. i can be content being his best friend as long as he trusts me. i know he doesn't love me, i really do. i can get over it! riku left me at the end of the year, i miss her every day.

seventh was a different story. i had more attitude though wesley hated me. i got over it quickly as i met a blonde haired girl with grey blue eyes. i fell in love with her. . .she broke my heart. over and over again. i cried less and my image changed a lot. i went from pink skirts and blouses to dark purples and blues. i also acquired a yellow jacket that i still have. i still sorta liked the boy. but i was in love. that consisted of my seventh grade year. . .love an a shattered heart.

eighth was even more different. i still loved the girl but the boy was around me more. . .he talked to me a lot more and was nicer. i went into blacks and stayed there. the girl started to be more distant, showing off her relationships to me, slowly killing me. i wanted to die sometimes. let my heart to get the best of me, to let me cry less and less. so now i'm broken, not able to love quite the same but the boy has somehow worked his way into my heart and i like him more than liking. i didn't understand it.

now i'm in high school and i'm somewhat worthless, completely broken, highly emotional and depressed. i love this boy who has finnaly started to be kinder to me. he has problems just like mine and i can understand him. i love him more than he knows. but i'm his friend and eternal support. and i love the job. i still love that girl who has broken me. . . i can't seem to get over it. but now i know what life is like and why some women stay alone all of they're lives. but that's not what i want. i want a relationship where i don't have to worry about being cheated on or dumped. what wesley has with katt. i just want to be happy. it may be tomorrow, it may be ten years from now.

. . . of all the lies you ever told, 'i love you' was my favorite one! i see all of the girls you love and i rarely see my name let alone only my name. i know thats what you say and you may mean it but it never has seemed that way. i sat and waited for you to come back and when you did i braced myself to be broken again. i hurt myself so you can't. i tried so hard to patch all of this up and you never stopped to listen. one of my rules is never walk of on the only person who has never given up on you. they may give up on fixing you someday and i finally have. i've never given up on anyone before.not even him, whose hated me since sixth grade. i finnaly gained his friendship and i'm not willing to let go of that.you almost ruined that for me purposely and happily until you saw i had had enough. i'm not perfect but i put all of my heart into all i do. and i tried. i can't try any harder than i did. i'm not angry, just tired. tired of all of the crap i put myself through, tired of slowly killing myself over a lost cause, tired of trying to let go of him so i could go back to you although i know for a fact if i tried to do this again i would get hurt even worse. i can't try anymore. i give up. are you happy? i never thought i was possible to break me, but you did. thanks for proving me wrong. oh and i'm not going anywhere. you're stuck having me around whether you want it or not.

i can't take it anymore. i've tried. i really have. last night it all hit me, nothing i try to do is ever going to work. nothing i do has worked. i tried to stop loving him, to stop loving her. to stop loving altogether. it always kills me. all of it hit me last night i cried myself to sleep when i realized all of it, a feeling of hopelesness settled over me. i give up. the only thing i've ever given up on before.

forever is fake. together forever is even faker compared to that. it's like believing in fairy tales. i just cant take it . . .it's not something most people can understand. people who make things like this really don't get it. it breaks my heart to realize that the person, the people i love will never love me the way i love them.

i hope the next girl makes her happy. i honestly do. because i wasn't enough, no matter how much i tried. i know it's sad but i wish maybe i had given more of myself. i know that i would have hurt more but i maybe it would have been enough. even though it hit hard when she kept leaving me, with her i was happy. but now i sleep on it and cry over it. i screwed up by loving somebody i've loved longer than her and now i mean nothing to her.
the quote on the left is for her, for whoever she choses to have next, the one on the right ot him, to show i remembered. that is his favorite quote. i know he may never love me the way i do for him, and i may never redeem myself to her but if i can keep his friendship i can live. i let myself get out of hand hoping. i know i'll be happy someday even if not today. i just wish that i could stop the pain somehow

is it? is it over? can i come out for once? i can't truly believe that i sat for so long and let myself be hurt so many times. she doesn't care. she can't even remember the song i sang for her. in about a week or so, i'm not going to be using my blogger anymore.i think there is nothing more to say.

i'm trying so hard. it's like the harder i try the more it hurts. i feel so vurnerable without my journal. "after all you've done to me i won't speak to you." i'm trying so hard to not cry. thats what started all of this. i cried because of him and now she hates me. if she'll return my journal i'll do whatever she wants. i'll leave her life for good. her life, the pack, the only thing i can't do is leave inverness. i won't speak to her, i won't look at her, i won't go near her. if it would be better for her. i would hurt but if i could stop all of this.

so if i could just make myself better i could make this work. but now i have to help him with katt. to make them happy.i don't care about myself. i'm not worth it. i'm just some miserable girl whose been broken one too many times. i'm pretty much useless for anything but crying and making peoples lives better. that's the only thing that keeps me alive. those who love me (if anyone does) should be grateful to that.

i have no clue. i'm trying to figure out what i did. if it was bad i can understand that she would be mad and try to destroy my life. if she would stop and tell me, if i find the judgement to be fair, i will willingly take her anger. but i think i have a right to be upset until then. the one moment that i'm not slowly dying of heartache for her, the one time that i can show that, yes, i do care for someone else, she gets upset. but it seems that i can't show that i'm sad when she goes along, dating other people, looking at me and basically saying that she doesn't care that i'm sad. i can't be angry right now, i don't know why. sometimes i wish i could. i wish i could walk to her and say "thanks for showing me i mean nothing to you. thanks for letting me know that i'm worthless. sorry i came into your life and became a problem. so hears to teenage romance and not knowing why it hurts like hell." but i can't. even as anger flares when she won't speak to me. even as hurt courses through me like a venom when she looks at me like i'm a piece of crap. i'm reposting this song because it's pretty much how i feel.