whats really sad is that no one really knows how sad i really am. i can hide things better than i thought. only people who read this and are really close to me can really understand. all break i wrote my frustrations out on a very worn journal. it feels nice to let all of my anger out without hurting anyone. i saw katt today, probibly scared her by coming out of nowhere to hug her. she's like my sister, i love her so much. she knows what it's like, to constantly lose the one she so desperatly loves. so i guess, i'll give up on that, after trying so hard. i finnaly do realize that i never take care of myself as much as i do with others.

answers. . . all you have to do is ask, instead of tearing through my stuff. . . i'm more angry than i've been in a while. so you know what, i'll tell you. no tears, no crying, no hesitation. just ask and get it over with. i can't believe you would say that i don't care about you. i may not act like it right now because i have so much on my mind. if you care so much about how i feel try being more considerate of my feelings. how i feel about him is none of your buisness. trust me i've known him a lot longer than i've known you. so just ask, i'll tell you.

well now that i know. . .

maybe now the pain will stop. now that i know the pain has faded. i guess it's okay to be sad but also to be relieved. thanks to all the time i took to think about this, i can finnaly lay back and just let it wash away. all of the pain, all of the saddness, i can relieve myself of it. i'm just going to let go, to try and be happier. it feels like. . . walking through a feild, not knowing there was broken glass at the end. you step lightly, barefoot liking the feel of the grass until the glass cuts into the soles of your feet. the next week you forget and do it again. well sooner or later you remember to wear shoes, the journey through the feild is less pleasent but you don't get hurt. so clean up the glass and let other people walk through. at least now i know. so things like this don't need to happen again, but still. . .

In the end

Everyone ends up alone

Losing her

The only one who's ever known

Who I am

Who I'm not, who I wanna be

No way to know

How long she will be next to me

so now what? i know that she's happy, the only problem is, i'm not. not yet. i just hope she stays happy and that her new girl loves her just as much as i do. thats all i'm asking for.

puppy

it's hard to explain. last week i started a new path to get home faster. there was this boxer that comes running and barking at me. i walk calmly past the fence and say 'it's okay i'm just walking past'. and the next day the same. finnaly i stick the tips of my fingers through the fence towards the dog, who gently presses her nose to them. i play softly with her ear until i realize the time. i wave goodbye without looking over my shoulder. yesterday, i come through to walk past and she comes crawling along on her belly, submissive, ears perked, wanting to please. she presses to the fence and puts her paw up an a rung and looks at me with her sad brown eyes. i stick my fingers through the fence and pet her, smiling softly. i stand to leave and she looks so sad and bewildered at the same time that i stoop to pet her some more. i look at her eyes and see that they're just like mine. almost exactly the same. increadibly sad and pleading to be loved. sweet and submissive, wanting to make somebody, anybody happy. just to get love out of it. i almost started crying seeing her look at me like that her eyes a mirror image of my own, an echo of my own hidden sadness. i want to comfort this dog more than anyone else in the world. the one who seems to feel my own pain. the one that seems to want to comfort me, of all people.

. . .

god. this is torture. i'm forced to sit here every day and wait for things to stop. what to do, what to say, all of these things are fed to me as to what society wants out of me. wow i just don't know anymore. what does this world want out of me????? what? i give up. i gave up on fitting in around seventh grade when i left my pink stage. poeple think i'm confused. thats wrong, i know exactly who i am. i know what goes on in my mind, and i know who my friends are. so i take a stand and show who i am. i just don't like people. i hang with animals. . . . ok then.

what do i want?

i don't know anymore.

i hurt all over now and don't think i can fix it right now.even as good as i am, i can't fix this right now. i rather think i liked being numb better. even that could be remidied with a bit of broken glass. but now i don't know. do i even want anything??? i know i love her and i'm pretty sure my heart is gravitating towards him, too. i can't stop it no matter how hard i try. i get yelled at for it. a normal life. a better one. i can see you don't want me. i've cried myself to sleep every night for several days. my dreams have gone from cruel to sadistic. i woke up this morning with tears on my pillow. i can't do anything. i'm trying to just get through the day and find a happier place than i'm in. it's just not working. just make it through the day and you can cry when you're alone. keep your head high and fake the smiles. and remember don't let the tears fall in front of them. that could make or break you.

so i'm almost there. it's almost fixed. and now just torn from my hands and ripped again. i'm running out of thread. i'm not sure what to do now. i wish i could fix it faster. . . all of the time it tears slowly as i see them. i can feel that now. so why did you leave me? why did you so purposly hurt me? i can see it in your eyes that you don't want me. that you obviously don't need me. so why should you care??? why should you even bother to talk to me anymore? i doubt you even care if i die right now. "if you try hard enough you can fix it to be almost the same. there might still be some lines but just barely." so now what? i've hidden again and shocked myself by making eye contact but not saying a thing. i want to go home. i want to know how you really feel. and more than anything i want my heart fixed. "i know i deserve to be treated better than i am" you glare at me. "so find someone who will treat you better." i know you saw me fall to my knees. i know you heard me sob 'i know. i'm trying.' i promise you will never see me cry. you will never see a tear fall from my eyes. i promise.

sigh

notes laying on my nighstand beside me. a piece of broken glass lying on the floor, droplets of blood lying on it. a heart of blood on my leg. now today it's almost healed and doesn't hurt anymore. i wish it did. then at least i could feel something. i've gone numb all throughout my body. that song weaves through my head the lyrics drawing more tears out of my eyes as i'm trying to sleep. my mind plays cruel tricks on me, twisting whatever memories i have of hime to make it look like he was looking at me instead of Katt. and now i'm hated by the only person i've ever thought i loved. so now what? do i love him? maybe. i wish i knew. i do know he's all i've ever really wanted. so maybe i do. i cry myself to sleep every night over things like this. yesterday was worse. all of my dreams are worse than sadistic. "love is the slowest form of suicide."

so to stop killing myself from the inside out i need to remove myself from this. why couldn't he just act like a jerk? why does he have to be so nice? why does he have to treat me so kindly? at least if he acted like he hates me i could do the same. why???? at least i could wrap my head around that. . . but thats not what i want. i want him to love me like he loves her. but if wishes and dreams were wings we'd all be able to fly.

lonely

i sit here every day and type here.again with the fake smiles. only now someone knows about my hurting. he smiles at me and watches me everyday. behind me, everything i want but can't have. it makes me feel alone with myself. i'm hooked on that song it makes my heart ache with every lyric that is sung. i may look happy on the outside but if you felt how i feel on the inside you would understand.

so he was right.

a friend of mine told me to listen to this song. he said it would surely make me cry. your call by secondhand serenade. a part of my mind is in love with him. i have to be honest. i love the way he looks at me when he's telling me about the girl he's in love with. though it's my best friend i still can't help but try to make this easier for him. both of them have been through the same heartbreak i have. the multiple losses of the one we're loving. i wouldn't tell him that though. i never show my true feelings. i'm not weak. i hate people to know whats going on in my mind. it would tear me up. so when i burst out crying it almost killed me when he saw. not only that beu he came over and tried to make it stop. the last time he saw me cry was sixth grade and that was when my friend told him that i liked him. (he made fun of me) i guess i've always had feelings for him.