sigh

notes laying on my nighstand beside me. a piece of broken glass lying on the floor, droplets of blood lying on it. a heart of blood on my leg. now today it's almost healed and doesn't hurt anymore. i wish it did. then at least i could feel something. i've gone numb all throughout my body. that song weaves through my head the lyrics drawing more tears out of my eyes as i'm trying to sleep. my mind plays cruel tricks on me, twisting whatever memories i have of hime to make it look like he was looking at me instead of Katt. and now i'm hated by the only person i've ever thought i loved. so now what? do i love him? maybe. i wish i knew. i do know he's all i've ever really wanted. so maybe i do. i cry myself to sleep every night over things like this. yesterday was worse. all of my dreams are worse than sadistic. "love is the slowest form of suicide."

so to stop killing myself from the inside out i need to remove myself from this. why couldn't he just act like a jerk? why does he have to be so nice? why does he have to treat me so kindly? at least if he acted like he hates me i could do the same. why???? at least i could wrap my head around that. . . but thats not what i want. i want him to love me like he loves her. but if wishes and dreams were wings we'd all be able to fly.