how is this fair?

i see you across the room, looking at her, you're so happy. you glance in my direction and grin, not knowing what exactly i'm going through as i watch you smile. i smile back, not feeling as much energy as i would have normally put into the smile. i miss looking into your eyes and thinking about how happy i was you were mine. my left hand twitches as i reach for a class ring that's not there anymore. replaced by a little copper ring that says luck, i glance at it thinking that it's not fair. how can you not be having an emotional reaction? how can you not be sad? how come you don't miss me? why am i the ome suffering? but sadly i can answer all these questions. i never meant anything to you. you can't lie to me. i bet if i asked aiden even he'd tell me. i wish that i could stop, stop caring, stop wishing, stop being sad. but now as i sit here i can feel it gradually lifting, one day at a time, watching you pretend to be upset that i mention wesley, that i even think of him at all when he never stole me from you, you took my affections from him. and even through all of the pain i go through, i can't bring myself to wish this sadness on you, i can't make myself happy that makenzie bit you (PLEASE exuse me if i misspelled her name) because after all no matter what, i love you. and i am sad but i let all of that go so you can have the girl that you see more in than all of the other girls, even the one you said day in and day out that you loved. you do remember her right? the one who fought to live throughout the pain you were causing her. luck, branded seven times into my little copper ring. luck it says. strange. is it lucky i can't see your eyes anymore when i close mine? is it lucky that i see him and the warm little spark starts in my heart? and you wonder why i put up a wall. so you can't see that i tear myself apart over this. so you can't see me cry. i told you you'd never see me cry again. at least never over you again. i save my tears because i've cried so much over you that my next tears for you will be tears of blood. but for him, my smiles are real, to see him makes me more happy than you would really think. it always has. luck luck luck luck luck luck luck. all on a little copper band around the same finger that held your gold class ring. a replacement for something much better that will cause me nothing but pain to look at. so copper will do. a warm metal, warmer than gold. but for now, i can use all the luck i can get.

the field . . . .

my life is a field. lined with flowers of every shape and size. nikki is a purple orchid. fluffy a pansy. justin a snapdragon. wesley a bloodred rose. dakota a snow white stinging nettle. so pretty but whenever i try to pick either one i hurt. nettles sting my skin leaving me hurting for a long time. thorns prick my skin making me bleed. i walk through the field and see all of the flowers and think about how blessed i am to have them in my life. all of the colors. the orchid, standing tall and proud, the pansy so close to the ground, the snapdragon even taller but as proud as the orchid. the rose, surrounded shredding itself with it's own thorns, a lily tearing itself on his thorns trying to get closer to it. on it's side, trying to recover, a sad withered peice of lavander, looking delacate tries to stand to face the sun, a victim of his thorns, the thorns that are slowly killing him as well. to look from afar this is a paradise, but closer the world is so sad. even the orchid, wilting out of pain inflicted on her heart. but now i just walk through, thinking how much i love my field, how pretty it is, how sweet my flowers. to be a flower i think to be like the rest. . . . i know that i do have a place, a solitary moonflower, hidden until night, nobody no matter how hard they try can coax me out of my bud all the way, only barely seeing my petals, at night the dew on those petals are my tears falling when no one can see. of course i have always been able to forgive the flowers that cause pain, it is only a natural defense right? and as i look at the nettle and rose, the blood and tears in my skin, i can do nothing but forgive, after all who am i, a little moonflower to expect anything to do to help them? all i can do is hope the sun shines true and red for them all as the moon shines silver for me. i always have been able to forgive the rose and nettle. i've always seen them standing majestic and true in the sun, the thorns and stings always leave me wondering why though, why hide from people, allow them nowhere near? but now i know. they want nobody to see how they are suffering. now i wish i was a rose, instead of a moonflower, though nobody can see me without waiting all day, they can still pick me at night, my petals all out and wisk me away. they can still find me and tear my petals all off one by one without any resistance on my part. like a pretty grey eyed girl who came running into my field for who-knows-why. i was crushed underfoot as she ran past. though i still forgive her because that's all i can do. she didn't see me. if i was more like the rose, so bright easily seen but untouchable i would have been safe. . . .but now i stand watching the flowers around me wilt out of pain and bitterness. my field. my pretty field. soon to be nothing more than a barren landscape and somehow i feel like it's all my fault.

dakota,

in my life i've made many mistakes. i don't think i could say meeting you was a mistake. you said there was a time where he did love me. but i was with you at the time and didn't know. i don't think i have the guts to ever find out myself so i'll leave it at that. if i hadn't met you, the heartbreak woulden't have been avoided, just would have come at a different time, a different way. if it wasen't you, it may have been him, or someone else.you say you were a replacement for him, but in truth being around him is a replacement for being around you. he makes me feel warm, happy, the way you used to. before you left me. he makes me feel good about myself, especially when i see him looking at me from across the room like for a moment he chose me over all of the other things in the room to glance at. and when he just walks over in the middle of class and sits in front of my desk to talk to me. when he looks into my eyes my heart jumps into my throat just the way it did when you used to look me in the eyes. but as an abused puppy these are the things i've learned to watch for. i tried to get him into a position where no matter if he liked me there would be no way for me to access him. i've learned the signs from my heart that i was going to regret loving somebody. the little pup that was ignored for such a long period of time has become aggresive in a way that almost nobody can show her that life is better than she thinks. have you noticed that unlike you i don't get into relationships? not like you who gets into one after another even after you say you've found everything you've wanted. unlike you i know what i want. i want someone who keeps their promises. just the way theyt say they will. so in retrospect, is he a pain pill for missing you? or is he just a spoonful of arsnec? i don't know but i do know i'm going to keep pushing all of the love i want away until i find out work things out.