how is this fair?

i see you across the room, looking at her, you're so happy. you glance in my direction and grin, not knowing what exactly i'm going through as i watch you smile. i smile back, not feeling as much energy as i would have normally put into the smile. i miss looking into your eyes and thinking about how happy i was you were mine. my left hand twitches as i reach for a class ring that's not there anymore. replaced by a little copper ring that says luck, i glance at it thinking that it's not fair. how can you not be having an emotional reaction? how can you not be sad? how come you don't miss me? why am i the ome suffering? but sadly i can answer all these questions. i never meant anything to you. you can't lie to me. i bet if i asked aiden even he'd tell me. i wish that i could stop, stop caring, stop wishing, stop being sad. but now as i sit here i can feel it gradually lifting, one day at a time, watching you pretend to be upset that i mention wesley, that i even think of him at all when he never stole me from you, you took my affections from him. and even through all of the pain i go through, i can't bring myself to wish this sadness on you, i can't make myself happy that makenzie bit you (PLEASE exuse me if i misspelled her name) because after all no matter what, i love you. and i am sad but i let all of that go so you can have the girl that you see more in than all of the other girls, even the one you said day in and day out that you loved. you do remember her right? the one who fought to live throughout the pain you were causing her. luck, branded seven times into my little copper ring. luck it says. strange. is it lucky i can't see your eyes anymore when i close mine? is it lucky that i see him and the warm little spark starts in my heart? and you wonder why i put up a wall. so you can't see that i tear myself apart over this. so you can't see me cry. i told you you'd never see me cry again. at least never over you again. i save my tears because i've cried so much over you that my next tears for you will be tears of blood. but for him, my smiles are real, to see him makes me more happy than you would really think. it always has. luck luck luck luck luck luck luck. all on a little copper band around the same finger that held your gold class ring. a replacement for something much better that will cause me nothing but pain to look at. so copper will do. a warm metal, warmer than gold. but for now, i can use all the luck i can get.