grrr

ok so i'm pretty peeved today as i try to show independance and my alpha rejects it as though it was usless. oh not only that but when i was alpha the only order i gave her was completely ignored. one request. make peace with others on the shared territory before the pride gets cocky and tahes more than the pond anr the covens attack. i don't want an apoligy. i don't want anything but respect. "i don't like it. i'll rewrite it later" it's mine and those are my words. the first time i show any singlemindedness and it's just looked down on.

:))))))

my birthday is coming up soon and i'm somewhat exited. i have a vault next to me and am sorta craving starbursts. i had a project due a few days ago and i spent twenty minutes on it. hah i guess i may fail the project but if i have something i can't get detention. i just don't have the board. i'll do that later. at some point. poor wesely will have to have detention himself. i want to start writing soon so i will in my next class. i might still have a sub and i forgot my book again. i have a few questions to ask here and there like why bri thinks that gage has more power that she does. i have so much caffine in my system that i keep typing the wrong letters. :) . . . bri says that gage would be pissed if he saw her with me. i doubt he cares it's may just be that i was looking for decode. double dating????? i will have elaboration. wesely drew on my apple yesterday and turned it into a zombie apple. fluffy gave it to mr martone. total lol as it was staring at me.

I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rinds,but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside, swallow my doubt turn it inside outfind nothing but faith in nothing.Want to put my tender heart in a blender,watch it spin 'round into a beautiful oblivion.Rendezvous, then I'm through with you I burn, burn like a wicker cabinet,chalk white and oh so frail.I see our time has gotten stale.The tick tock of the clock is painful,all sane and logical.I want to tear it off the wall.I hear words in clips and phrases,I think sick like ginger ale,My stomach turns and I exhale. I would swallow my pride,I would choke on the rinds,But the lack thereof would leave me empty inside.I would swallow my doubt,turn it inside out,find nothing but faith in nothing.Want to put my tender heart in a blender,watch it spin 'round into a beautiful oblivion.Rendezvous, then I'm through with you.SoCal is where my mind states, but it's not my state of mind.I'm not as ugly, sad as you.Or am I origami?Folded up and just pretend,demented as the motives in your head.I would swallow my pride,I would choke on the rinds, but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside.I would swallow my doubt, turn it inside out,find nothing but faith in nothing. Want to put my tender heart in a blender,watch it spin 'round into a beautiful oblivion.Rendezvous, then I'm through with you .I alone am the one you don't know you needtake heed, feed your ego.Make me blind when your eyes close,sink when you get close, tie me to the bedpost.I alone am the one you don't know you need,you don't know you need me.Make me blind when your eyes close,Tie me to the bedpost.I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rinds,but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside. Swallow my doubt,turn it inside out,find nothing but faith in nothing.Want to put my tender heart in a blender, watch it spin 'round to a beautiful oblivion.Rendezvous, then I'm through, now I'm

soo stuck in my head.

music

i listen to a lot of music. the music can change my mood in a heart beat or can match my mood. i use it to cope with my life. i've done a lot of stupid thimgs in my life. i can freely agree with megan that i've made quite a few mistakes while she was around. like letting myself hurt for so long. but now i can smile and sing freely although the part of me that was hurting is still there. i can still feel it abut now can disregaurd it. looking back it's funny how i sat there looking dead while i sat in my misery. i know how many peolpe saw it and they have recently seen it. true i did feel somewhat dead but then i smiled and my world was turned around. i still am sad but i can focus on the good not the bad and have a lot to do to get better. i've thought long and hard and will now trust more freely and smile for real more often. (still will not trust until i'm sure they are trustworthy*(gage)*) watch me sing and dance. see my happiness as i've healed over all but one part that i'm not sure i want healed. the love left in me i don't feel should like it should be removed.

what would you do?

if today was your last day what would you do? forgive forget live and learn. live as though you'll never live twice. would you regret anything? or that you never did something? live in today but think of yesterday fondly because you can't live it over. get in contact with old friends and just give everything you have.

listen

learn me. i'm not what you think. i see you look at me and wonder why i look so sad. you ask i'f i'm okay and i throw a smile on and say that i'm fine. so why do i do this? because you think you know me but you don't. i hide inside myself to keep you from seeing. it's strange to show my true self. it feels kind of like taking my jacket off after wearing it all day. freeing whatever bare skin to the biting wind and letting my hair down after having it up all day. or more like pulling it up.

"i want to be known as the girl who always smiles,

even when her heart is broken. the girl who never fails to brighten your day

even when she can't brighten her own"

sure

i've given in. keep my silence and go on the way i always have. painted smiles and crudely composed facades. blareing music and crying only where i cannot be seen. it goes to show that nobody really knows me. i'm eternally a forced optimist causing people to think what could be worse and a pure through and through pessimist. yeah a bit of an oximoron but thats me. thats how i've always been and thats how i'll always be. and if thats a problem you can kiss my fluffy tail.

whatever. . .

i saw them together. i don't know why but it made me sad. bri was leaned against gage asleep and he was looking at her so lovingly that it made my heart ache. the more i want someone to look at me like that the less possible it seems. sure i don't particularly like gage or completely trust bri. . . but seeing that would be enough to break anyones heart. a long time ago (around seventh grade) i fell in love. of course it's not what most would expect it being my current new friend. and she told me she loved me. i believed every word out of her mouth. that had me standing in the corner of the cafeteria crying. ever since i had put a guard around myself and attempted to keep people from worming into my heart. it works very well. if you are already close to me you will stay that way forever. if we just meet i'm like a stray cat your are trying to feed and i worry and dodge and try to stay away. i have many different sides and personalities.you say you love me and i'll second guess myself for the rest of my life.

dear heart, i met a boy today. . . prepare to shatter.

you say you want to know what's going on in my mind, i told you. you love me? sure you love her too. and her too. i don't know what to think anymore. and the sad part is why can't i let go??? i've given all i have and now i'm trapped where i am. i love you i really do and you can't see that. as the stupid little thing i am i can't tell you like i'd want to so i'll let it go and stew in my own sadness. you can have better than me and i've seen that firsthand.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....

my head frickin hurts. green is not easy to read. i fell off the stairs the other day and hurt both of my ankles and need to work on them. this weekend sucked and i'm thrilled it's over. my little brother was worse than ever. i feel good about myself. i got a guy that i kinda like to consider going out with one of my friends that has a huge crush on him. it made me feel kind of . . . selfless. for some odd reason all of my friends are sick and i'm not. it gives me a chance to help. normally they won't let me. i'm depressed that my mom doesn't work tonight so i'm gonna be cleaning all night. teacher grading paper and not paying attention as i have most of my autobiography done. my friend tried to pierce her eyebrow in the bathroom earlier today and i leaned against the wall watching.i haven't read her blog in a while and did so yesterday and sat for twenty minutes trying to read a convo she posted for all to read. wow my friends are weird.

assumption song

i'm not sure there is anything to say about this song. . . just enjoy. . . lol